G.I. Joe: The RIse of Cobra

tony says:
4 man review.. never been done.. im nervous and a little edgy
Shellie the Shiv says:
im pumped! because I'm included!
Alex says:
YO JOE!
Ivan says:
I'm ready to roll!
Alex says:
CRASHING THROUGH THE SKY, COMES THE FEARFUL CRY!
Alex says:
Coooooobraaaaaa
Alex says:
COOOOBRAAAAA
tony says:
take it easy man.. the movie sucked
Ivan says:
that might be all we get from Al
Alex says:
HOW DARE YOU!?
Alex says:
COBRA-LALALALALALALALALALA
Shellie the Shiv says:
ugh
Shellie the Shiv says:
someone actually liked this movie?
tony says:
i have never been more convinced that a movie WOULD suck.. so much so that i brought in pen and paper to take notes
Alex says:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDabIEc6yh4
Alex says:
I liked it!
tony says:
al you never cease to amaze me man... but that link is bloody hilarious!
Ivan says:
I was so ready for suckage. Everyone knew going into it that it would be garbage (pronounced French), but once I saw how miserable Transformers was I knew we were doomed.
Shellie the Shiv says:
I didnt think it was possible for a movie to be worse than Tranformers. This...I have no words for it.
tony says:
honestly i dont even know where to start on how garbage this was
Ivan says:
a Wayans brother is a GI JOE!
Alex says:
it was better than xmen 1
tony says:
it was not better than ANY of the xmens
Alex says:
bleh, better than x1 and x3 combined!
Alex says:
COMBINED!
Ivan says:
What?
tony says:
it stole so many ideas al
Ivan says:
X-Men? Are you crazy? I'm outta here!
Shellie the Shiv says:
So basically you're telling me never to watch xmen?
Alex says:
yeah, if you haven't seen it
tony says:
it didnt have an original idea in the whole film.. al u truly disgust and dissapoint me
tony says:
the suits.. stolen from the video game halo
tony says:
the weapon of mass destruction... stolen from the day the earth stood still
tony says:
the destruction of france.. stolen from team america world police.. they destroyed more than 18 city blocks!
Shellie the Shiv says:
Can i just say, I fell asleep in the last action scene. I NEVER fall asleep in movies. Unconciousness was better than that gargage.
Shellie the Shiv says:
HAHAHA...team america!
tony says:
duke an obvious john cena knockoff
Alex says:
its gi joe, have you seen a gi joe episode lately? they had super ray beams that would transform snakes and pythons into fighter planes
tony says:
that may be so but al u cant fall asleep in an action scene
tony says:
u cant
tony says:
shellie drives deathproof the car!
tony says:
she doesnt fall asleep!
Alex says:
I think our readers need to know that Ivan and Tony went to see 500 days of summer hours prior to watching this modern remake of a Hasbro classic
tony says:
IT HAD THE KID FROM TROPIC THUNDER!
tony says:
what does that mean al?
Ivan says:
I would also like for Alphonse to clarify
Alex says:
you know wot?! you two go watch your indie films
Alex says:
I'm taking over summer blockbuster reviews
Alex says:
theres a segment of RSR for indie reviews.....DAAAAT AH WAY! ---->
tony says:
sigh
Alex says:
I'm glad that kid form Tropic thunder has a career
Alex says:
but I liked half-squat better
Ivan says:
Whether a movie is indie or not has nothing to do with the review. First of all JGL was featured in both movies, so let's not pretend that 500 Days was some low-budget trailer park, basement quality flick. Second of all, F U AL
Shellie the Shiv says:
I think even the little boys sitting in front of me were bored to tears, and may have started discussing indie films to alleviate the pain.
Alex says:
those weren't little kids
Alex says:
they were munchkins
Shellie the Shiv says:
Hmm...they did have lollipops and funny hair dos...that explains a lot
Shellie the Shiv says:
Do you know what sealed the deal for me? When the one badass in the movie....turned into a not badass! The baroness! She was awesome!
tony says:
YES shellie makes an excellent point
tony says:
the baroness character was destroyed so badly.. it was the equivalent to a ninja turtles movie that just for whatever reason decided to make raphael a dog
tony says:
oh guys how much do u care about the history of snakeyes and cobra commander?
Ivan says:
><
Ivan says:
that much
tony says:
i care more about whats happening on CSPAN right now
Shellie the Shiv says:
Wait, which one was cobra commander?
tony says:
the mad scientist who turned into darth vader at the end
Shellie the Shiv says:
(This is how much i didnt pay attention)
Ivan says:
I'll be right back, I'm just gonna go check CSPAN! thanks tony!
tony says:
record it for me ivan
Shellie the Shiv says:
oh the boy from third rock from the sun! that show > GI joe
Ivan says:
ok, i'm back. that was exhilarating!
tony says:
al how can u take a film that has a wayan brother giving advice.. seriously?
Alex says:
I thought he restrained his usual racial passive self of a douche bag and did a stellar job portraying ripcord
Alex says:
what did you guys watch when you were young? JEM?
Ivan says:
I watched fn GI mother fn JOEs and Transfreakingformers
Ivan says:
not these abominations of movies
Shellie the Shiv says:
Jem > GI Joe
Ivan says:
F U HOLLYWOOD. and you too hasbro
tony says:
we watched g i joes.. we watched them fight and destroy crap.. we did not watch for their individual histories and advice.. i turned it off on the "knowing is half the battle" part
tony says:
hasbro is dead to me
tony says:
dead
Shellie the Shiv says:
Didn't the wayans guy play a clown on some show?
tony says:
they are all clowns.. but i think u mean in living color
tony says:
a little piece of my childhood died.. when i saw snakeyes crappy suit
Alex says:
oh please, you didn't even know he did not have a mouth in his original suit
tony says:
i didnt even mention the baroness's costume.. sparkles?!?!?! just let me get hit by a car now
tony says:
oh and robot fish were in it.. stolen from terminator
Shellie the Shiv says:
Hey, I liked the sparkles. They should have bedazzled her whole costume
Shellie the Shiv says:
Stayed with the theme of the movie.
tony says:
oh kill me now please
tony says:
OH i didnt even mention the BIGGEST rage inducing thing about the film... remember when speed racer ended? they played a updated version of the speed racer song.. same as transformers.. and other movies.. when this peice of turd ended.. what did they play?
tony says:
yes the black eyed effin peas
tony says:
oh im gonna go slash wrists now.. see ya
Ivan says:
This is clearly another example of hollywood capitalizing on our childhood. Take a great franchise, use the name, throw it in a blender with wayans brothers, john cena look alikes, sparkles, some rubbish story lines and you've got yourself one hell of a flick!
Shellie the Shiv says:
HAHAHAHA
Shellie the Shiv says:
What black eyed peas song was it? THat makes a difference
Alex says:
I wanted gi joe 2: revenge of the cobra
Alex says:
COBRA LA LA LA LA LA LA
tony says:
no shellie.. it makes no difference.. but its the one that goes BOOM BOOM BOOM.. oh wait! they all do!
Shellie the Shiv says:
Oh yeah, that's crap. But still probably the highlight of the movie for me.
Shellie the Shiv says:
Because it meant it was over.
tony says:
touche
tony says:
but for the record.. i would sacrifice my life if it meant that they couldnt make music anymore
Shellie the Shiv says:
Better than closing out with Lady Gaga.
tony says:
lose-lose
tony says:
al what has happened to u man?
tony says:
i mean i got dumber too.. but not retardly nimrod moronic dumb
Alex says:
I don't know what you're talking about, they'll never make the gi joe you'd want, in fact they'll never make the movie you imagine. Just wait till WoW comes out
Alex says:
Rise of cobra was well executed for what it was
tony says:
sigh.. shellie drive over in your deathproof car and end me.. i think he has a point
Alex says:
Revenge of Cobra 2010! COOOOBRAAAAAAAA
Shellie the Shiv says:
Im about to run myself over.
Shellie the Shiv says:
Seriously, speechless.
tony says:
2.5/10 for me.. it was like watching dragonball again..
Ivan says:
I didn't even want to bring this up, but i will. The last 20 minutes of the movie reminded me of the worst soap opera imaginable. Rather than follow the events of one awesome story or character, why not have the audience follow 5 piss poor action sequences? It'll be great. We'll have wayans brother flying a plane blowing missles out of the sky, and then we'll have john cena and traitoress chase evil guys pretending to be destro and cobra commander (honestly, if you showed me those two twats and told me to guess who they would be acting as in the GI JOE movie, i would tell you to shove it up your...), and then snake eyes will be fighting his evil arch nemesis to the death, while the president is being replaced by an imperstinator, and let's throw in some Dennis Quaid for good measure!
tony says:
AMEN!!!
Shellie the Shiv says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Amen Ivan! The last 20 minutes were seriously painful. I think. I can't remember because I was dreaming about watching a halfway decent movie.
Alex says:
last 20 mins was star wars
Alex says:
a lot of characters, a lot of action, everyone got screen time, they kept to the origin stories pretty well, wot more do you want?
Shellie the Shiv says:
good actors?
tony says:
good action?
Ivan says:
less screen time?
tony says:
no origins?
tony says:
i want all those things
Shellie the Shiv says:
better story line?
tony says:
ok lets wrap this up before i go into a self induced coma
Ivan says:
agreed friend
Ivan says:
2/10 and thank you Shellie!
Alex says:
so you want GI JOE: Origins: Snake Eyes
tony says:
i want GI JOE: NO ORIGIN
Shellie the Shiv says:
GI JOE: The 5 minute origin
Ivan says:
No, i want Duke to kick the everliving crap out of Cobra Commander. I want to see Destro get his metal head bashed in by Snake Eyes. I want it all!
tony says:
when u are a kid.. and u watched a cartoon.. and u want the origin of something.. then that is the first of 5 signs that u are a douchebag
tony says:
i never ever watched inspector gadget and gone, "oh gee how the heck did that dr. claw get his nickname? gee where was penny's computer book manufactured? i wonder if Dr. claw's cat is neutered"
Shellie the Shiv says:
2/10...and that's being generous
Ivan says:
we've got big hearts, that's the way we are
tony says:
i give al 1/10
tony says:
again
Ivan says:
ditto for me
Shellie the Shiv says:
i give al 10/10 for trying to defend this piece of crap
tony says:
al out of 10? this is gonna be funny
Alex says:
7!
tony says:
7/10?!!??!!
Alex says:
this film was worth the monies I paid!
tony says:
shellie deathproof over my neck.. now!
Shellie the Shiv says:
I'm on my way. I'd be willing to put you out of your misery for this noble of a cause.
tony says:
hey ivan how did we start saying that shellie drives deathproof?
Ivan says:
we were just thinking about people that would never, ever be suspected of having a badass car, but they are so badass that they would indeed drive such vehicles (but not drive them like douchebags)
tony says:
al in a way u are a legend.. im kinda agreeing with shellie here that u get a 10/10 for ur defense
Alex says:
I could go on, but no one is listening
Shellie the Shiv says:
And why would you not suspect I have a badass car? I'm effing Stephanie Tanner!

The Chelios Heart Award
Al's Pick: cobra commander
Tony's Pick: me for staying for the whole duration
Ivan's Pick: General Hawk for having the guts to put John Cena and Wayans brother on his elite team
Shellie's Pick: Scarlet

Line of the Movie:
Al: "Call me Commander!"
Tony: that tripe that scarlet said about emotions and science
Ivan: "He doesn't talk "
Shellie: the first line of the closing credits.

NOTE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT JEM WAS AT THE TIME.. I HAVE SINCE YOUTUBED THIS CARTOON.. AND AM CURRENTLY IN CRITICAL TO SERIOUS CONDITION.