Race to Witch Mountain

BONUS REVIEW
For March Break I took my little cousin Brandon to go see this modern day classic Disney Film. Here's what he had to say about it as we ate lunch at Johnny Rockets:

tony says:
did you like the film?
brandon says:
yes
tony says:
why?
brandon says:
when the man (the rock aka dwayne johnson aka the most electrifying man in sports entertainment) fought that evil guy it was good
tony says:
who was your favourite character?
brandon says:
the boy with the powers
tony says:
how come?
brandon says:
he has so much powers he can go through things
tony says:
anything else you like?
brandon says:
I like it when the boy stepped in front of the car and sort of destroyed it.. oh when the girl used that power to move that rock to that evil guy
tony says:
what would you give it out of 10?
brandon says:
8

Pontypool

tony says:
ok first thing i have to say about this movie is:
SYDNEY BRIAR IS ALIVE!
SYDNEY BRIAR IS ALIVE!
SYDNEY BRIAR IS ALIVE!
thoughts on the film?
tony says:
or maybe we should do a brief synopsis
Aloe says:
great psychological thriller in the tradition of Blair Witch, and a zombie film with a "oh, what a twist!"
Aloe says:
fine, synops
Aloe says:
cuz apparently some of our readers (1) needs it in his review
tony says:
well basically its a twist on the zombie genre... that happens to take place in a small ONTARIO town.. how cool is that?
tony says:
with shout outs to kawartha lakes and peterborough
Aloe says:
Pontypool: the story of a local radio personality's take on a zombie outbreak in a small town.
Aloe says:
there..thats my synopsis
Aloe says:
I don't like shoutouts to any p.boro related towns
Aloe says:
I think p.boro could use a flamethorwer
tony says:
it is awesome though
Aloe says:
its a good canadian film
Aloe says:
and even funnier to have the national anthem in french during the film
Aloe says:
and they smash the speaker....implying something?
tony says:
i liked it a lot as well, definitely one of the most interesting zombie films i've ever... funny too.. like the other canadian zombie gem Fido
tony says:
oh it definitely had a lot of political commentaries i just wasnt clever enough to figure it all out
tony says:
i think if i was smarter i'd like this film a whole lot more
Aloe says:
maybe they're trying to say english is the zombie killing the francophones....ahhhhhh
Aloe says:
its a freakin zombie film, as great as it is, my ideal zombie film involves a lot of exploding heads
tony says:
i agree... but at the same time it did manage to make things very suspenseful and tense without resorting to bush league tactics.. that's impressive
Aloe says:
EAT CHOUR BRAINZ, GAIN YOUR KNOWLEDGEZ
tony says:
i'll give it a 7/10 for being totally unique.. i had a great time and a lot of laughs even though it was a bit confusing
Aloe says:
7.8/10, not quite a 8, but better than a 7, good film, even for the zombie haters
tony says:
final thoughts?
Aloe says:
I got nuthin
tony says:
i got something
tony says:
the anna farris look-a-like in the film doing the tea kettle impression was the best scene
tony says:
and
SYDNEY BRIAR IS ALIVE!
Aloe says:
prah prah prah prah

The Watchmen

Aloe says:
Its a visual, interpretative, masterpiece
Aloe says:
I'm using the word masterpiece.
tony says:
i think the opening credits might very well be my favourite part.. great song to accompany it.. and really a smart way to introduce the movie to people who either have or havent read the comic
Aloe says:
Agreed, it really sets the movie and sums up a lot of content for viewers who have read the graphic novel.
tony says:
yeah i really don't have anything bad to say... except some of the sex scenes seemed to be placed at awkward parts
tony says:
rorschach was an absolute badass eh?
Aloe says:
Silk Spectre II is my new supergoddess, I can't say anything about acting, but she looked the part. Rors was well done, probably the best of the cast
Aloe says:
He might rival Taken's Liam Neeson's badassness award
tony says:
hmmmm i'd like to see them fight...
tony says:
i loved that it stuck almost 100% to the graphic novel... and visually it was amazing.. this is a definite 9 out of ten for me
Aloe says:
Same, 9/10. I also understand some viewers dissatisfaction with the film...I think to truly appriciate it, everyone should read the graphic novel and take the movie as side. For viewers that knows nothing about the story, they might be caught off guard with the lack of 'super'heroes in the film and the flow of the plotlines.
tony says:
i agree the trailers are deceptive
tony says:
thoughts on the soundtrack?
Aloe says:
totally fitting in my mind, All along the watchtower rocks, and it relates back to the novel's closing panels.
tony says:
hallelujah was the only song i had a problem with... totally stupid to put it in that scene...
Aloe says:
a few things I don't like about the film was the prominent display of Blue man junk...just a little to0 much, I know he walks around naked a lot, but its unintentionally funny when its on the IMAX screen.
Aloe says:
I think thats the song going through Nite Owl's mind...in which case, yes fitting...
tony says:
hmmm i guess that might not be a bad point
tony says:
night owl was my fave in the comics i think they made him too nerdy in the film
Aloe says:
you like Veidt...and you wanted to see into his [Boys] folder
tony says:
hey you're the one that noticed that folder!
Aloe says:
ascii art maybe, it is the 80s
tony says:
if the nixon in the watchmen was the nixon thats in frost/nixon would u watch that film?
Aloe says:
yes!
Aloe says:
I thought I was watching Sin City looking at that nose
Aloe says:
What did you think of the revised ending?
tony says:
didnt like it
tony says:
took away from the affect it was suppose to have no?
Aloe says:
yeah, and if that was the direction they took, I wish they would have gone with making a more 'film' like change overall, or stuck with the source material all the way though.
Aloe says:
I want a director's cut version DVD to be 4hours
tony says:
and i want the pirate side thing in the dvd too!
Aloe says:
more silk spectre!

IMAX: The IMAX Experience

This is the review for the retro laser/sound show they play before an IMAX film.

Aloe says:
ok,
Aloe says:
IMAX EXPERIENCE
tony says:
the imax experience is really the reason why i see movies in imax in the first place
Aloe says:
it has lost its luster on me, the old school lazer light show and outdated vocalization for sound tests really creep me out now
Aloe says:
that pin that looks like a match stick, and those mickey mouse hands that points out the speakers....creepy
tony says:
are you suggesting they redo it?
Aloe says:
I am suggesting they redo it, or update it, like the AMC ticket commercials, update it
tony says:
i dont think they can! that introduction hasnt changed since the early 80s.. u cant mess with a classic... remember the war amps commercial with astar? where he puts his arm back on?.. they redid that.. and it was a vomit inducing.. and that guys voice is not creepy its almost as good as the trailer voices
Aloe says:
I was talking about that music that was playing....the guys voice is fine. I like and understand what they're trying to do, first time viewing would be mind blowing!
tony says:
ok well i'm giving it an 8 out of 10.. one of the true classics!
Aloe says:
8/10 too for first time viewers, 6/10 for second time.
tony says:
this was my 4th time viewing it and i still give it an 8!

Bangkok Dangerous

Aloe says:
BHAAANG KOK DADADADANGEROUS!
tony says:
with the one and only nic cage! AKA the coif!
Aloe says:
I noticed his hair made it at the end of the credits
tony says:
oh for sure... if nic cage ever got nominated for an oscar again.. his coif would be the lead... he'd only be supporting
Aloe says:
given that the film is a remake of an asian film, it makes sense that the pace of the film is slightly off, giving more than apt screen time for the coif to be noticed
tony says:
i must admit i couldnt concentrate fully on this film... i am still feeling the after effects of street fighter... so for the most part, since the film does take place in bangkok all i kept thinking about is sagat doing tiger uppercuts and tiger knees.. and how cool it would look
Aloe says:
"oooooahhhhh oooooo ahhhhhh" "YOU LOSE!"
Aloe says:
there was that Adon scene
tony says:
very true! but other than that and the coif.. i couldnt really see much of anything in the film
Aloe says:
I saw nudity...though I'm still not convinced those are actual women....its Bangkok after all. ITS A TRAP!
tony says:
thats just wrong!
Aloe says:
but the sad truth
tony says:
i'll give this one a 5 out of 10
Aloe says:
Same, 5/10. Although if they digitally replaced Nic with just a floating, walking, killing, talking coif, it might change my rating to 6/10
tony says:
in tribute to the coif, akon and the movie title we've actually came up with a song for this film
tony says:
and it goes something like this...
tony says:
nick i can notice but to, notice your coif, noticing me, from across the screen i can see it and can't stop myself from looking and noticing it, noticing me
tony says:
al take it away
Aloe says:
Watch out I've seen his films before!
DAT COIF IS SO DANGEROUS!
DAT COIF IS SO DANGEROUS!
Nic cage is a bhad mon, I've seen his films before!!!!
tony says:
BANGKOK DANGEROOOOUS

KRISTEN KREUK COUNTER

5-DAYS WITHOUT COMPLETELY RUINING A CHARACTER

Street Fighter: Legend of Chun Li

tony says:
ok before we start the review of this simply devine and majestic film... we'd like to give a special thanks and props to shellie aka shells for promoting the site and even going as far as saying that it was her favourite movie review site... on the other hand we would like to apologize to those who actually believed her. that being said..
tony says:
al although i have no idea where to even begin with this film.. will you allow me the honours to start?
Aloe says:
it would be better to get the 'good' stuff outta way
tony says:
ok well let me just start off by saying.. at first i was pissed off that they would give a character so crappy in the video game that they later had to give her a fireball, her own movie... but i must say i am glad that they didnt put Ryu or ken in this heaping pile of turd...
Aloe says:
Chunli is still a Street Fighter Icon, she doesn't suck.
as for the movie, Moon Bloodgood is a goddess and Bison had a few (2) good scenes
tony says:
for me the only good thing about this movie was that it made me want to play street fighter again and kick the ever loving snot out of chun li, gen, and anyone else unfortunate enough to be in here... the film also made my life flash before my eyes.. this may be due to the fact that i was looking for any way to kill myself in a theatre
tony says:
ok now the bad.. and lets just put aside the fact that they couldnt find a chinese actress to play chun-li... and lets put aside the historical gaming inaccuracies, like making chun-li from hong kong..
tony says:
where do we begin?
Aloe says:
hurling yourself over the ramp wall would've knocked you pretty good
tony says:
only if it gave me a concussion and/or amnesia so i could forget all that i saw...
Aloe says:
this scarring is deep, theres no going away, the movie is made by kids for retards.
I feel dumber having witnessed such a movie. Uwe Boll deserves oscars for script, directing, and film of severl years after watching this.
tony says:
i agree.. i mean kristen kreuk has gone too far.. it wasnt enough for her to ruin lana lang? now shes got to ruin a video game legend... i'd like to say this reminded me of a bad television episode of something.. but tv is never this bad... i say we implement a kristen kreuk counter.. for every character she ruins.. or every day that goes by without her ruining a character.. what say you?
tony says:
i mean i've seriously seen better acting in infomercials
Aloe says:
I'm at a loss for words for how terrible this film is. Dialogue is absolutely atrocious, nothing makes sense, lets just throw fireballs around and not question it, I mean, we're street fighters. The ability to summon fireballs is natural in all of us. Lets throw a few.
tony says:
i would've seriously rather watch 3 hours of any pinhead playing any of the street fighter video games then watch this... i mean we could go on and on... but lets give something out of ten... personally i dont think it is possible to give a zero so im giving this film 0.5 /10
Aloe says:
woah woah woah
Aloe says:
I'm not done
tony says:
hahahah go ahead
Aloe says:
I lost my burning wreckage of a thought for what I wanted to say now
Aloe says:
but this film is just absolutely terrible, and in our long history of watching shit films, this one takes top top honours. Its so shit, I don't wish this on anyone.
tony says:
i agree.. i mean we've suffered through date movie, epic movie, and even little man.. and this is the worst film i have ever seen in the theatre.. if not ever. ashdashdjkasd.. thats how mad i am! HULK SMASH
Aloe says:
it makes me question my continued patronage of AMC and Hollywood in general. For a film that makes Uwe look good, we sound pretty intellectual
tony says:
so out of ten?
Aloe says:
0.5 is a little harsh? I would give it 2-3
tony says:
you cant be serious... after all that you said how can you give it a 3?!?!? i feel like i want to kick you
Aloe says:
spinning bird kick me?
tony says:
dont remind me of that kicking scene.. i wish i can describe it.. but i need to mentally block that out.. or else i will really lose it
Aloe says:
I believe there are worse out there
Aloe says:
we will never see it, but a 0 is just a failure of a film, this comes close....but for effort, and the two redeeming qualities of the film. 2.5-3
Aloe says:
***Effective Immediately: While 2009 continues and after watching this feces of a film, all other reviews by RSR gets an automatic +2 to their star rating.
tony says:
i agree that's more like it! bottom line i never thought i would ever in my entire life say that any sequel of the street fighter franchise would be worse than the original.. but that's what im saying..
tony says:
i would like to point out.. that al lost the oscar pool so he had to pay for this movie for both of us.. which means he essentially paid to see this twice.. if i were you man.. i'd seriously consider hypnosis so i could forget all of that...
Aloe says:
frak the oscars
Aloe says:
maison de petit bullshit cost me


KRISTEN KREUK COUNTER

1-DAY(S) WITHOUT COMPLETELY RUINING A CHARACTER

Friday the 13th: Bonus Review

Bonus review from one of Railing Seat's own. Ivan watched and wrote the review for this movie in Croatia.

Ivan says:
I was nearly fooled into thinking it was Jason, but I like the real one better
Ivan says:
During the opening scene where he hangs the victim in the sleeping bag to a tree, I thought they were paying homage to one of Jason's most grizzly and badass kills of all-time.
Ivan says:
I was wrong. What was wrong with this kill? Jason doesn't torture victims by burning them alive. He smashes their faces in with hammers and impales them while having sex with harpoons.
Ivan says:
Umm, correction. He kills them with harpoons while having sex. Sex with harpoons doesn't really work.
Ivan says:
Oh yeah, hostages? WTF is that? And don't sell me that crap about her looking like his mom and him keeping her alive for that reason.
Ivan says:
Jason has never been, and will never be about some "deeper meaning". This director is also the jagoff who directed 2003's remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Ivan says:
Thus, it only makes sense that he got some of the footage scrambled while putting together the final cut of Friday the 13th.
Ivan says:
Jason's house? Al is right. Jason doesn't have, nor need a lair and I sure as heck don't want to see it
Ivan says:
I have a lot more to say, but I just made myself sick thinking of all the things that went wrong.'
Ivan says:
4 stars. I would give it 4.5, but the jackass kids in the front row were extra annoying. Croats don't believe that silence is golden.

Friday the 13th

tony says:
ok how did you feel about friday the 13th?
Aloe says:
the movie should've ended at the opening credits
tony says:
but the opening was awesome no?
Aloe says:
the first 30min was the movie to me
Aloe says:
the rest was filler
tony says:
for once i totally agree
Aloe says:
no ones wants to see the douchebag prance around
tony says:
how did you feel about jason abducting people?
Aloe says:
dun like it
Aloe says:
and in reality the black guy and the asian dood would've survived, they're smarter
Aloe says:
jason hideout/lair?
tony says:
that made me want to punch myself in the throat
tony says:
i didnt think he looked as menacing as before either.. you?
Aloe says:
he looked liked a giant retarded kid
tony says:
HAHAHA
Aloe says:
that role is reserved for myers
tony says:
agreed!
tony says:
out of 10?
Aloe says:
5.5/10
tony says:
this was terrible for me i'm giving it a 4.5/10
Aloe says:
this does not belong in the vorhees tapestry
Aloe says:
alright fine, 5/10
Aloe says:
but I think the .5 comes from the nudity
tony says:
some creative kills though no?
Aloe says:
yes and no
Aloe says:
archery?
Aloe says:
common
tony says:
true true.. basically i'm giving it a 4 for the opening scene thats about it
Aloe says:
vorhees would only know to jab that thing in someone, not shoot it across a lake at a speeding boat
tony says:
agreed he cant use anything but melee weapons

The International

tony says:
ok thoughts on the international?
Aloe says:
needs more watts, cuz she held the movie together
Aloe says:
should not have burned that bridge, but I'll forgive
tony says:
wait really? are you being serious?
tony says:
watts acting sucked so bad in this movie
Aloe says:
very, watts is awesome
Aloe says:
and hott
Aloe says:
please, she took that car like a champ
tony says:
are you really serious?
Aloe says:
oscar worthy
tony says:
ok now i KNOW you're joking
tony says:
the movie was boring.. i hate to say that about a film with clive owen in it.. but it was.. he was still quasi badass tho.. but having seen taken the week before... it just isnt enough
tony says:
please tell me you really didnt think those things about watts
Aloe says:
too slow of a film, about a threat thats not visible
Aloe says:
no, I like watts, leave watts alone
tony says:
sigh
tony says:
ok out of ten?
Aloe says:
5-5.5 max
Aloe says:
rather see duplicity
tony says:
i'll give it a 6/10 'cause clive is that cool!
tony says:
me too! but i think you're gaming me about the watts stuff
Aloe says:
the best scene is the guggenheim
Aloe says:
watts was stellar in kingkong
tony says:
watts hasnt been stellar since tank girl

Taken

tony says:
ok what did everyone think of taken?
Ivan says:
I think Steven Segal was busy filming Cockpuncher
Aloes says:
007/Transporter got shit on Neeson
Aloes says:
yeah I said it
tony says:
i think the only reason anyone should watch the film is for the BADASS that is liam neeson
Ivan says:
The guy who made transporter also made Taken
tony says:
really? i thought it was the district guy.. same guy?
Aloes says:
Neeson is a badass moooother...shiiii
Aloes says:
you know what, he trained Batman!
tony says:
Neeson is so badass that if he was mel gibson in Ransom it would have lasted 30 secs... if this neeson was qui gon jinn there would be a time paradox.. cause the problem woulda been solved in the first movie.. making the rest of the movies un-needed
Aloes says:
but really, I would've just left her on the island, cuz shes so annoying
Aloes says:
TIME PARADOX!
Ivan says:
I would have done the same with Famke
tony says:
if my dad was liam neeson.. i would want to be taken too..
tony says:
agreed! she was annoying
Aloes says:
ok, really, this movie is awesome, I want to see the Nails scene on the dvd
tony says:
yes!
tony says:
ok out of ten guys?
Aloes says:
7/10 for pure asskicking, shoot your wife for info, purified and filtered down badassness
Aloes says:
but without that....5/10 at most
Ivan says:
I would like to give this movie 6 stars for makin me hate Maggie Grace even more than I did before. Bravo Taken!
tony says:
i give it a 6/10 but the badassness of neeson makes it 8.. but also the annoying daughter and mom bring it back down to a 7/10
Aloes says:
so it'll be a 10/10 if say...mandy moore got the part?
Aloes says:
no no, shes better than that
Aloes says:
biel
tony says:
ivan would never admit that biel would be taken in the first place tho! she survived the chainsaw massacre!
Ivan says:
Do you think the only reason he saved her was to prove how much of a badass he is? Because in reality, a bad mofo like him would never save a brat like Grace.
Aloes says:
true true
Aloes says:
to both points
tony says:
thats a good point.. he may have set the whole thing up just so he could kill guys
Aloes says:
so this in reality is a vacation for him?
Ivan says:
touche tony
tony says:
retirement made him bored!
Aloes says:
but not dead
tony says:
bottom line: this movie made me forget he ever acted in Nell
Ivan says:
Jodie Foster is a boy
Aloes says:
shes a magnificent...aunt